If we place a cell in a solution that is hypotonic, water will enter the cell, and the cell will swell and burst like an overfilled water balloon.

I nominate Wonka Nerds to be the candy that makes you feel the most guilty/unhealthy/omgmaybeIshouldgorunningnow. I mean, come on. These little pieces of candy are sour and delicious, and then when that taste fades away, you are left eating sugar. Sugar. Su-gar. Ugh.

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I feel like as the days go by, people are maturing. They are growing, developing, moulding themselves into someone that can be a positive attribute to this society. Instead, I am breaking. I am cracking under the pressure, not able to be any better than I was yesterday.

But some days, I am happy. I feel like everything in my life is right, and I feel successful for being able to balance everything.

Am I a perfectionist?
Not quite. A perfectionist is someone who wants to complete every task to perfection. I want every part of my life to be perfect; even if it is superficial. What an appalling thought.

We were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves.

I have come to the conclusion that this blog is my pensieve. It is just a bunch of incoherent thoughts that can be analyzed at my leisure. I feel Dumbledore-ly.
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I need clarity. I need seclusion.
But of course that can never be granted. Is this adulthood? This stage where an individual is intertwined to obligations, and other individuals, that affecting one thing will trigger a chain reaction?

If so, I hate it.

Good God hate is a strong word. So strong, I feel like it is appropriate now.

Relationships in general suck. Starting a new relationship would mean burdening yourself with more obligations; a whole new balancing act.

Especially when the other individual is not quite as responsive. Let’s say absolutely not responsive – then what is there to be done?

There’s a fine line between love and hate. Both powerful, both equally passionate.

I can't take no more

Music is a drug. It puts you in that state of blissful unawareness, till you finally hit stop and open your eyes and the truth sets in.

Can you believe I have actually been ‘putting off’ writing? Maybe it sounds like a blow to my ego (I hate saying self-esteem) but my writing skills are pretty appalling right now. So if I use the same words over and over, forgive me oh dear reader; I am trying to get back into my own comfortable kind of language, and not the official kind. It’s sweatpants versus dress pants really.

God, it has been days since I have even written using the words ‘I’ or ‘my.’ This is what school does to you…shoves you into the third person you really aren’t and almost brainwashes you into thinking something you probably don’t think, and then to make matters worse, makes you provide support for it!

I didn’t think it would be so easy to spill my – for want of a better word – real thoughts onto this special realm again. I am almost scared to stop typing because I really need to go on to get this weight off my chest.

You know, everything you do pretty much molds you. You learn from every experience, and like an animal’s ‘learned’ behavior, (yes, this is Biology. I am aware) you make sure you do not make the same mistake again. And if you do make the same mistake again, it is no longer a mistake. It then becomes an action of itself because while committing this error, you knew it was an error. So, it is not an error. See what I mean when I say, “forgive me, oh dear reader”? Yeah.

Hate is an emotion that should be stopped. Halted in its tracks, because if it isn’t, it turns you into a hateful person. It’s like a cancer; spreading slowly through every inch of you, blotting like ink throughout your conscience till you don’t know what it is, and you don’t know why, but you hate. And you hate.

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for, or why I have to scream, I don’t know why I instigate or say what I don’t mean. –Linkin Park

Wise words, great song. I think I may have a shred of an answer actually. When you really don’t know why you fight, as in when there’s no significant reason to being moody or saying things you don’t mean…it’s because there is too much love. It’s the fact that you’ve forgotten that new, lucid feeling of love, so you make things bitter to taste the ‘sweet’ part again. I guess that’s what makes love bittersweet, in a way. But don’t take it too far, because then all you’ll be left with is tastelessness.

In repair.

There is nothing that will make me feel better. I have never felt worse in life before.

I don’t know where to go from here. When things were ‘bad’ before, it was only one aspect; like school, for instance. If my grades were bad that was just one aspect that was bad. The rest of my life was steady or even rather excellent so eventually, the bad part picked up and came to that usual normal state again. I believed in the saying: When you’re down to nothing, God is up to something. And things set right.

Not this time though. There is something undetectably wrong. I know that I’m stressed, but that’s just not it. I feel this sickening hollowness in the pit of my stomach that just remains there and makes me feel even worse.

I’m jittery, I’m angry, scared, worried…and yet retaining composure.

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming.

Goo Goo Dolls got it right. The tears aren’t coming, because logically, there is no reason for them to. I am an average, happy, healthy person who is well-loved and who should, rationally, have no complaints.

Yet, life has never looked this hopeless before; there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t been able to be happy about anything, which is strange considering I am probably one of the happiest people you have ever met.

And now even my writing is shallow. Whine whine whine. There you go…this is going to do a lot of good for you. Who even cares? Why do I blog? Maybe I should just stop writing and curl up in a cave and die. Okay so maybe I’m overreacting here.

What is important? Are grades important? Is love? Is being able to balance everything?

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I thought this statement was a complete cliché until I realized what it felt like to be in this position. Not knowing if you are an individual, or a part of a family. A part of a group of friends. A part of a relationship. What to live for? How can I live so that I can satisfy everyone, and yet be happy? Or is the meaning of life to be a part of all these circles and sacrifice yourself, because the real happiness comes from sacrifice? Bullshit. I guess the loners are the ones better off really.

We all live for ourselves. Whatever we might say, innately, every single human being lives for themselves. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, it’s just a thing to be pointed out.

It is a Sunday now, and tomorrow it will be Monday. Back to the routine of the week, hating every minute of it yet bearing it, because that’s what we have to do.

Today I can truly say I am not happy. Let’s just see what changes this, if anything will.

It's not a silly little moment; it's not the storm before the calm

It’s that point; that point where you get to overload and words just start spilling out because you don’t quite know and you’re disoriented and there’s just got to be an answer for all this or a reason or a way to fix it or…

Deep breath. Let’s do this.

Does ‘life’ mean a person has to be living and breathing in order for it to count? I don’t know but to me life just sounds like a general term thrown out there, like ‘wow this is the best day of my life’ or ‘f my life.’ I always caution myself to not confuse it with existence. We live long after we exist.

As we grow older, I think there comes a point when we stop and take a moment to reminisce and regret. We do both, because one cannot stand without the other. Everybody goes through this, but does anybody just stay in it? I am in it, and I can’t get out. All I can think about is oh when I was [this many] years old, I did [achievement]. Now, not anymore. Ha, I’ve always spelt achievement wrong my entire life, er, existence. See, there you have it! Perfect example of the reminisce-regret twins!

Future. The word I hate so much because it is the cause of everything. All my stress, all my worries comes solely from this word; future. Why oh why can’t we just live in the here and now? People, you can plan. It is always helpful to plan. But plan so that you won’t have the kind of time to sit and even consider the future.

Wow, I sound depressed. But I’m rather contemplative today, more than usual that is. I feel like I have this entire weight upon me, something I can’t shift. It’s the workload…I’ve been killing myself doing the most amount of work I have ever done (put together). Then there’s sport. And about a million clubs I want to join.

Which brings me to the point that maybe the reason why I hate the future so much is because I’m not good at it. I don’t think, I just do. I work very hard but the days I can’t become costly mistakes that I simply cannot erase. ‘Decisions’ should really be another word that I abhor.

I am tired. I am tired of it all, I don’t think I can take it. But I have to. I see myself as someone who is not like anybody; and I pride myself for it.

God talk to me now, this is an emergency.

And you don't miss a thing till you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Certain aspects get me thinking everyday. Momentary thoughts; swift but candid, so pure that you want to document them as precisely as you found them, store them almost like you would a picture, share them…but of course words fail you. It’s like tightening your fist on sand really.

Damn words. Where do they come from anyway? Shakespeare invented all the difficult ones, of course. He probably invented ‘difficult’ itself. I want to go back to when we all had one language. One unified way of communicating so everyone knows exactly what everyone else means. The language of the soul, perhaps. Maybe someday we wouldn’t speak to each other at all but just communicate through music. There’s a thought!

Sometimes I think we’re getting to a point where we’re going full circle. Where in the future everything will go back to being simple and we really wouldn’t find the need for most of the things as we do today.

It’s funny…I actually pondered over a note on Facebook this morning. Who ever does that? So I filled it out maybe a day or two ago and I remembered a question that asked ‘Do you think you have changed?’ I don’t quite remember my answer but it really got me thinking. I have changed. I have changed very much. Every birthday brings new meaning to why I am here and how my perspectives have been molded and remolded.

I think having too many thoughts is also overwhelming. Believe me, I never imagined I would be burdened by them; I thought it was great I was able to reach that higher level of thinking. But I figured that’s probably why I get frustrated so easily over the simplest of matters. Then other people have to bear the brunt of it.

In AP World History, we always had to categorize all the events of a particular region by the P.I.R.A.T.E.S chart; Politics, Intellectual, Religon, Art & Architecture, Technology, Economy and Society. Now, I find myself almost categorizing my life that way, asking what stayed the same and what was different. I have developed such a keen appreciation for things I used to roll my eyes at. It is always (insert word or music that is appropriate because I cannot describe this feeling) when I point these out to myself and realize that I am gaining more and more understanding of the world around me.

It scares me, though. If I have already started to think this way and question everything, will I ever stop? Will I just be bored out of my mind when I’m thirty plus years while everyone else is starting to feel their eyes widen with curiosity?

Or have I simply gained more of a head start than others.

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I just realized…I always type these up on Word then transfer them to my blog but it is an amazing feeling as I’m signing on…almost like a portal is being opened where I can transfer these thoughts!

Gravity, stay the hell away from me.

So I just told myself to breathe. For possibly the hundredth time today.

I think I figured out why writers say carrying around note cards or a notepad with you at all times is a necessity; at least you have something to build on later. And since I didn’t, here I am rambling again. Ramble ramble ramble. Oh I wish I could put in words all the thoughts I was having earlier…astounding really.

Life is just like running cross country. You have to plough on, stay strong because in the end you will win. Except no one knows when or even what the end is, so can’t say much there. But a lot of times I wish I ran that extra 0.2 miles a little harder, or I didn’t stop to walk somewhere in the 4 miles so I would have felt more accomplished. Don’t we have those regrets in life? I know I do. ‘Oh I wish I studied so hard on that one test’ or ‘why oh why did I not use the last 10 minutes to check my work at the end?’ It’s silly, really. But it’s life and it’s true.

Disappointment is probably the worst emotion to feel. I’ve always felt it would be embarrassment…but disappointment really takes the cake. Sadness is definitely bearable – you eat some chocolate, tell yourself everything will be okay, cry, and then fall asleep. Repeat about fifty times and you’re bound to be okay sooner or later. But how do you cure the distress of being disappointed? Especially when it’s in yourself? I got a taste of that today. It’s bitter, and sour. And no one can really quench it; no one can extend their helping hand and pick you up when you’re left picking up the pieces. So it’s all down to you and what you make of the situation. How you move on. If you will ever start to believe in yourself again and trust yourself to do anything right.

What, what was I thinking when I started to believe that everything happens for a reason?

Wheel.

You know what I’ve always believed in? That everything in life happens for the good. Now I have found something that contradicts it – death. We read about it, we witness it in media all the time, and maybe at some point we are even desensitized. Till it happens to someone close to us.

What do you say? I am sorry for your loss? You can’t be as sorry as they are, sorry is not even close to how you feel, sorry is something people just say as a greeting at a funeral, it’s condolences. You don’t want to give them condolences. I don’t. I want to give them love. It’s like holding a fragile glass ornament while walking on a path full of marbles on oil…one step and you will fall and the ornament will break and then you shatter.

That's the way this wheel keeps working now

Today I finally know what it feels like to be at a loss for words, to feel helpless. I shed a tear, said a prayer, and now I’m back. Life doesn’t stop for anybody; grief is part and parcel of it.

And then I wonder, if this is how I am feeling…what must they be going through?

That’s all for today. I simply cannot say anymore.